Today is a new day and it was kind of a better day. I was able to have a full phone call with the love of my life that I feel went well but I guess only time will tell. I am still looking for a house to rent for me and my kids, but I am hoping not to have to leave what I thought was a home for me and my family. I want this to work, and I hope it will. I know there are people out there reading this asking themself what is this chick doing with her life? Well, I am trying to live it and make the best of it. When you don't have the funds to be able to just walk away you try your hardest to make it work if you feel deep down that you love that person and you want to try to make it work. I guess the way I look at it is if you love someone you work hard to make sure that person knows they mean the most to you. It could be with your kids, your man, your family anyone. You work on things when you want them to work. You work hard on the life you want to have to make a happy home for your family. I work three jobs and to say that is hard is an understatement. Being away from my family long hours sucks but If I want to make sure, they have everything they need and want. I work my ass off for them!! I know they understand what I am doing for them, but I know it bothers them that I am not here. Yes, they are older, but we have been doing game nights, and it is great hanging out with them and hearing them laugh but now that I am working some nights for bill money I feel like I am missing out on time with them. My oldest is 19 and he was playing with us and that was amazing to me but now with my one job being so slow I am having to pick up more hours with the night job, and I am missing time with them.  I just feel bad about being away from them. Yes, I know some moms enjoy being away from their kids and hell yes, I do too don't get me wrong and there is nothing wrong being away from them. I guess just with everything that has happened over the past year spending time with them is what I feel we need. 

Sunday I normally get all my house stuff done, laundry, cleaning things like that. Well today I had to go and make sure one of my Airbnb's was good to go. That turned into a 3-hour task.  Then I picked Abby up from a friends house and came home. I am having a hard time with something, but I am also having a hard time getting the words out about it. I hate the feeling of not being wanted. That has been a hard pill to swallow. Being needed is something I am used to I have kids and they will always be needed by them. But when you are with someone and have been for a long time it is hard to not be wanted or needed anymore. The feeling of being so damn empty is overwhelming and at times it is unbearable. I don't want to get out of bed; I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to sleep. Sleep the pain away is the only thing I want to do. How do I move forward? How do we move past this? Can we ever get back to where we were so in love? Willwe get back to the place in our life where we would drive around look at Christmas lights for hours while holding hands and laughing. I can still remember the way he made me feel the night of our first date. We went to dinner, and I was so nerves. He showed up in a dump truck from work and was so cute. We had a nice dinner and at the end of dinner I was boxing up my leftovers and ended up spilling it all in my lap an all we could do is laugh. He walked me to my car, and we texted all night. I knew then he was something I didn't know I needed but was so happy I had found. Now we are so far from that it scares me that this might really be the end. Couldn't it be? I don't know where it goes from here if he isn't the one in my life. 

Well It's the day after Thanksgiving. Today is a little better then yesterday. After I got done with my blog last night my kids and bestie came into the dining room where I was and we played Yahtzee for hours. It was very nice to be able to relax and laugh with them without crying. They all know this time of year is hard and I sure know it is hard for them and I try so hard to be strong for them. But at the end of the day they are my reason for getting out of bed each day and pushing myself to move forward. All three of my kids have grown so much. But my oldest has become one of the strongest and sweetest kids I have ever known. He is always checking up on me making sure I am ok and if I'm not he can tell and will ask me what's up mom. I honestly don't where I would be without them. I do hope and pray that I am not letting them down. I want so much for them to be proud of their mom and know that I try my best each and every day for them. I want for them to have everything, and I feel at times I can't give them all they want but damn I try so hard. 

Today is Thanksgiving and I am surrounded by my boyfriend, amazing kids, and my best friend. Why do I feel more alone now then I ever have?? Why do I feel so empty? I have always loved the holidays and since I lost my mom in Oct 2024 I hate everything. I can't seem to find myself and I am losing people that mean so much to me because I can't get back to being myself. Will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be the person I was before losing the best mom ever? She was my rock, my backbone, and my everything. I am just having a very hard time and trying my best to be me and I just can't.  I really feel like my life isn't mine. I don't know who's life this is. Grief is a real thing and it takes time to heal and I understand that but I hate the feeling of it. I feel like it will never get easier. I know with time it will but I omg I want to be myself again. I want to be around people, I want to not cry everytime I think of her, I want to be able to say her name without crying for hours and I want to remember her as the healthy loving mom she was and not the lady I watched die because that hurt is something I don't wish on anyone. 

What is Love?? That is such a loaded question!! Is it having to hide things from the ones you love so they don't get mad at you? Is it pouring your heart and soul into everything you do for the ones you love and never feeling that same energy back? Is it making sure they have everything they need and want all the while you are going without the things you need and want? Or is it giving up and walking away from something you have worked so hard for and loving someone so much that the thought of them not being in your life hurts so much that thinking of that pain brings on even more pain? Do we ever really know what love is? I wake up each day trying my best for the ones I love and I am left at the end of the day feeling so empty.. I don't want to lose the one person I care for so much but is it enough to end each and every day feeling empty? It emptiness the new age of Love?? It can't be. There has to be more. 

Life can be unpredictable, and sometimes, you find yourself needing a little extra cash to cover unexpected expenses. That’s exactly where I found myself when I decided to start delivering with DoorDash. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but it turned out to be one of the easiest and most flexible ways to make extra money on my own schedule. With just my car, a smartphone, my Bestie and a willingness to hustle, I was able to start earning almost immediately. There’s no clocking in or out; I pick when I want to work, whether it’s for an hour or the whole day. Plus, it feels good knowing that I’m helping people get their meals quickly and conveniently. DoorDash became a reliable way to bridge the gap when bills piled up, and it’s given me financial breathing room without taking over my life. If you’re looking for a way to earn extra income, I’d say give it a shot—you might be surprised how far a few deliveries can go.

It’s tough when you feel like you’re giving your all in a relationship, only for nothing to seem right. You’re trying so hard, yet it feels like every effort you make misses the mark. If you’ve been thinking, “Nothing I do ever seems right lately,” know that you’re not alone. Relationships can be messy, and it’s normal to face moments of doubt and struggle. What matters is that you care enough to try. Take a moment to breathe, reflect, and communicate openly with your partner. Sometimes, the best way forward is through honest conversations and small, intentional actions that show love, trust, and understanding. Progress takes time, and no one gets it perfect all the time. Be kind to yourself—you’re doing your best, and that matters more than you think.