Today is Thanksgiving and I am surrounded by my boyfriend, amazing kids, and my best friend. Why do I feel more alone now then I ever have?? Why do I feel so empty? I have always loved the holidays and since I lost my mom in Oct 2024 I hate everything. I can't seem to find myself and I am losing people that mean so much to me because I can't get back to being myself. Will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be the person I was before losing the best mom ever? She was my rock, my backbone, and my everything. I am just having a very hard time and trying my best to be me and I just can't. I really feel like my life isn't mine. I don't know who's life this is. Grief is a real thing and it takes time to heal and I understand that but I hate the feeling of it. I feel like it will never get easier. I know with time it will but I omg I want to be myself again. I want to be around people, I want to not cry everytime I think of her, I want to be able to say her name without crying for hours and I want to remember her as the healthy loving mom she was and not the lady I watched die because that hurt is something I don't wish on anyone.
Today has just been hard. Last year I was still in a fog of over her death and this year I wanted to call her this morning like I did every year and talk about what I was cooking and what she was cooking then she would talk to the kids. So it's just not the same. I feel the loss more this year.