Finding myself again is hard. Trying to find the person I was is becoming harder than I thought it would be. I can't seem to find the lady I was before my mom passed away. I hate to keep going back to that but that is when my life changed. I feel somedays i will never be the same. I used to be happy, i used to want to do things, i used to be the person people would love to be around. Now I don't want to do anything and i know for a fact people just don't enjoy being around me anymore. I want to be happy. I want my life back but it is just so damn hard. Grief is something I have never been good with but who is?? My mom was my best friend. She was my world. I had to go from talking to her everyday to not at all with in 36 hours and that is something I thought I had years to prepare for. I think I feel this way because I still have so many questions and am still so gad damn mad. I feel things could have been different if she would have said something or if her husband would have helped her. I hate him now because he is alive and my mom is gone. It's not far. She was the best. She was the sweeties person you would ever meet. If you knew her you knew what it felt like to be loved by her. How do I get passed this? I will never forget her and never want to I just want to be able to be happy again. I want to be able to have fun and enjoy life again. Faking a smile is something I did for so many years when I was married and she hated that but now I am doing it because I am in so much pain because she isn't here. She always told me I was strong but I was only strong because I had her voice in my head telling me I could do anything. I can't hear that anymore. I want her back so bad. I take meds everyday to be able to get out of bed. I just want her to tell me she is ok and watching over us and I need to push through. But she can't.
My kids try so hard to help. They make me laugh and I push through most days because of them. I don't want them to see how much pain I am in. I want them to think their mom is fine but really she isn't.
How do I do this thing called life with out her? How do I do all these milestones with my kids with our her here? I still text her phone and want to call her even tho I know she won't text back or answer. My brother has her phone and hasn't cut it off yet because he is still hurting too. Will I ever be okay again?